omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
