It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My vagina just clenched in fear
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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