I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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