I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
