We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
