I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
