How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
