okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
