The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
