Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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