We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
