I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's rum buckets o'clock
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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