made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
