Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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