she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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