yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
