So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
