I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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