I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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