based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize