I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
