Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
