Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
