Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
