Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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