May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
