Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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