Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
