Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Text me some of your sweat
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
