Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
