Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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