party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize