Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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