I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
