Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
