i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i now understand why vodka
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
