Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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