Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
