Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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