In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
