nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
