I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
