I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
