woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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