If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
