Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
