We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
