I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
