I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
