I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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