life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
