Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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