When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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