Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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