I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
