No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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