What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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