i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
