I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
