I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
