i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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